Most people who have lived through abuse understandably see themselves as victims — and in a very real sense, they were. But healing asks for something more than acknowledging what happened. It asks for taking back control of your own life: learning to see yourself not just as someone something was done to, but as a survivor, someone who has overcome, and who will go on to build a strong, healthy, and genuinely fulfilling life.
Overcoming guilt
Patients who’ve survived sexual abuse, whether as children, teens, or adults, very often carry a partial sense of blame for what happened — a feeling of being flawed, guilty, even dirty. When a patient accepted abuse at the time, or even initiated contact simply to avoid further punishment, that self-blame tends to run even deeper. What I want every patient to understand, and what therapy works to make real rather than just theoretical, is this: you are examples of the very bravest human beings. Rising up from despair and dealing with painful memories and disclosure are true acts of courage.
Moving from victim to survivor doesn’t happen overnight, and it isn’t linear. Be patient with yourself. Expect setbacks, and forgive yourself when they come — the work itself, not perfection, is what builds a better understanding of yourself, along with real self-respect and self-love.
Ways to cope
In the first part of this series, I described “monster therapy” — learning to name your trauma as something separate from yourself, an entity you can examine rather than carry silently. That framework is a starting point for building your own independent healing strategies.
Some survivors want confrontation with, or an apology from, their abuser. I understand the impulse, but I’m cautious about it, because that strategy hands control right back to the person who took it in the first place. No apology may be forthcoming; the abuser may try to shift part of the blame back onto the victim; the abuser may be dead, moved away, or otherwise unavailable. Real healing tends to come from within — from changing your own internal world, not from trying to change the abuser or undo the past.
Creative outlets can help make that internal work concrete: writing a letter you never send, keeping a journal, or making art. Some patients draw the abuser, or their own suffering; others create images of the future they’re working toward, as a kind of visual goal.
De-stress and relax
Survivors face a particular kind of stress, and I often recommend controlled breathing, meditation, mindfulness, and self-hypnosis as what I’ve come to call “monster antidotes” — tools to reach for when old pain resurfaces and feels overwhelming.
- Controlled breathing — relax the jaw with the mouth slightly open, then breathe slowly through the nose; this lowers blood pressure and carbon dioxide levels, and shifts the body toward calm instead of panic
- Meditation — once breathing is steady, spend 15 to 30 minutes alone repeating a calming word, like “serenity” or “peace,” until it becomes your only focus
- Self-hypnosis — a technique a therapist can teach directly, useful for stress reduction over the longer term
You are brave. You are courageous. And you are capable of building a new, healthy way to live — that’s the work I want to help you do.